OUT OF OFFICE | A Post-Pause Reflection

Thank you for your email. I am currently out of office and offline. For immediate assistance, please contact me directly on my cell phone. Thank you, Jasmin

What my summer hiatus auto-responder doesn’t reveal: how challenging it was indeed to go offline, go dark and not work on something. (Because we always are, aren’t we?) 

When I decided to press pause, on my writing, moved clients and workshops to September, it seemed like a great idea: the weeks preceding were all push with no lever to pull back, I'd found myself out of breath, and quite literally lost for words. Check yo self before you wreck yo self. (I’m sure Ice Cube was referring to the importance of rest and inner work)

With that decision, however, much angst about the consequences of such a pause surfaced:

What will happen to my creativity, my ideas?
Am I missing out on a pass/shot/turn?
And ultimately, give up my value/place in the world?
(after all the effort it took to get here)

...”Because our self conception is so dependent upon what others make of us. Rare individuals aside, we rely on signs of respect from the world to feel tolerable to ourselves.”, writes Alain de Botton in “Status Anxiety” (highly recommended read).

Now, ain’t that the truth?

If you’re anything like me - someone who is in the business of creating some-thing: you write/build/design, you do work that matters to you and your clients/audience/customers, then this must feel highly relatable, and likely slightly uncomfortable (to admit).

Because what we create, - whatever your creation may be - is so intertwined with what we care about, we can’t forgo to care how and if it is being received.  

The Siamese connection to this care: Our work becomes a part of our sense of Self, our value, the harbor of our place in the world. If, and when we muster the courage to pull back from what we do to make sure we know who we are, we feel ourselves adrift - without the lighthouse of validations we receive for our work.

Admittedly, I felt this in every inch of my muscle/bone/tissue whilst on my European exile. The fears swirling through me at times were so disarming, I almost sabotaged my self-imposed break. (Isn’t it funny how our minds can work against ourselves, creating illusionary urges to get the best of us?)

But, I sat through it (non-vipassana style). And since I’m writing this now, it must be that I have not lost (it) all. What I’ve learned during this pause, is that it’s easy to stay busy; to post/reply/pitch - because the doing is SO much less daunting than the non-doing.
Stepping away from our busyness, we enter a vast sea of question marks, gaps and blank space, and at the bottom may reveal some truths that instigate change in perspective/priority/purpose. (Who am I when I’m not my company, project, asset?)

In this breather*, however scary/difficult it initially may be, lies freedom. At best, we can remove what hinders us to be who we aspire to be, at worst we have learned to recognize ourselves outside of our doing, and instead place value on our being.

That relieves a fair amount of pressure, which I find, is liberating (to our awesomeness/creativity/ideas).

Much love,
Jasmin

*Breather = a vent or valve to release pressure or to allow air to move freely around something.

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It isn’t the mountains ahead to climb that wear you out; it’s the pebble in your shoe. - Muhammad Ali